Friday, July 04, 2008 

love sucks!!!

i cant believe i haven't posted or checked this blog since last september! whats weird is that the very next month i met and eventually fell in love with the most AMAZING person i've ever met. cute, funny, intelligent and we shared a lot in common from likes and dislikes to family history. it was the most unexpected relationship for me. the first time "elmo" and i went out, it was sort of forced upon us. we saw a movie and had dinner and ended up staying there talking til 1 in the morning. we both later admitted that we weren't enthused about going but were surprised at how we hit it off so well. we went out to the movies the next weekend twice and sat in the car talking til damn near 6 in the morning. that was also the night i would come to regret til this very day and probably forever. the following weekend, we went to the final game in the orange bowl and later had dinner. that night elmo got really sick and i brought them back to my place. i was so scared that night because elmo refused to let me take them to the hospital. i took care of elmo that night and the next day and they were surprised that i did and admitted that they probably wouldn't have done the same for me given how short of time we'd known each other. it was then that we both realized we each had met a lifelong friend.

talking to elmo was like a breath of fresh air. we were inseparable the next few months. every daytime minute in my plan was reserved for them. the first and last call i made was to them...every single day. every weekend we were together even it was just watching rented movies. we spent thanksgiving apart and it was hard on both of us. i spent every night of that holiday weekend talking to elmo to the early hours of the morning and each night it was so hard hanging up. we said we'd definitely do whatever it took to spend holidays together because we didn't enjoy being apart. before we even realized it, our friendship had become a relationship. and what's weird is that i let go of being afraid to let someone in. it was also during this time that elmo and their best friend were falling out and it was because of me. i never liked that my friendship with elmo would cause that because i knew how much elmo valued their best friend. i never understood or still understand how someone you call a friend could become upset with you for finding someone that makes you happy. i never tried to replace elmo's best friend, i was trying to develop my own relationship with them.

by christmas time, things were even better! i couldn't have dreamed of better times. we went away for new years and i was on cloud nine. there was no place i wanted to be then with elmo. we got back from the trip, went to elmo's and fell asleep in each other's arms til i had to go home. i still hadn't said those 3 special words to elmo but i felt them with each passing day. of course good times couldn't last always. after the trip i started showing my ass occasionally. elmo would ask me to do things and i'd have a million excuses as to why what i wanted to do was more important. never mind the fact that elmo always went out of their way to help me and do things for me. my spoiled side began to show and i started taking elmo for granted at times. in march things took a turn for the worse and we were never the same. somehow i failed to see how bad i was hurting elmo by not making them a top priority in my life. it was the little things i wasn't doing, like making time when elmo needed to talk to me or taking responsibility when i did something wrong and not being completely honest. the whole basis of our friendship was built on a promise we made that night talking til 6am that we'd have complete honesty and trust. by april elmo had had enough and wanted nothing to do with me. i had driven them away. we still spoke even though the mood between us had drastically changed. i was no longer elmo's love or anything else for that matter.

the problems we were having really affected me cause my whole world really did revolve around elmo. i started slacking off with a lot of other things, from school to work, trying to get back what i lost. i spent most of may crying. i cried waking up, in the shower, on the way to work (which is the same place elmo works), on my way to school, on my way home, and then to sleep only to wake up and do it all over again. i spent the last couple of months apologizing and begging for another chance. its been two weeks since we spoke. the longest we'd ever gone without speaking is about 4 days so as you can imagine i'm going crazy. i sit and wonder why i ever allowed myself to fall for someone after spending my life trying to avoid a heartbreak like this. i've had some strong feelings for guys in my past, but things never worked out and i hated that feeling. with elmo i never expected to develop any feelings like this. we clicked so well and spent so much time together. i was surprised by how i felt but at the same time i was willing to finally let go and let be and see what happened and it turned out great...in the beginning. now i sit and wonder how easy it must be for elmo to just go on with their life while i'm here miserable without them. my friends are in other cities so i cant just call them up to hang out and get elmo off my mind.

this past sunday i went to church and the pastor's sermon was about how God isolates you sometimes to work to on you. and that He takes people out of your life on purpose and you're sitting there wondering why He's doing it when all you want is to have those people in your life. needless to say i was not all that pleased to be hearing that. i'd been praying to Him for months to get elmo back and be friends again and every time it seemed like i was close i'd have the rug pulled from under me. i certainly was beginning to believe the Lord wasn't on my side. my request wasn't that big...just let me have another chance to work on my friendship, cause elmo was truly a great friend to me. and anyone can tell you good friends are hard to come by. i wasn't a good friend before but i really wanted to make up for it. and yes, i'll admit i side-eyed the Lord a few times during my quest to get elmo back. i'm here typing this post so He clearly has given me a pass for those brief lapses in judgment. LOL!

so now i sit here all alone with a few sad breakup songs on repeat. my song of the moment is j.scott's "insomnia". the lyrics describe exactly what i'm feeling. i finally had to stop listening to this cd elmo made for me back in december cause its hard listening knowing that the feelings they had for me at that time are no longer there. by new years eve, if i'm playing brian mcknight's "6,8,12" then i may need an intervention cause that will mark 6 months, 8 days, 12 hours (give or take a few days and hours) since we last spoke and i hope i'm not feeling this bad by then. cause every day for the past 2 weeks has been spent wondering what elmo's up to and how their doing, and wondering if elmo's happy that i'm not around. i did send an email yesterday. just when i was starting to come to terms with it, i had a brief relapse and sent it. it was short and simple, but now i kinda regret it cause i'm gonna sit around checking for a response and that's not going to serve me any good. i've made plans to get away next weekend and see a friend (with benefits) so that i can take my mind off of elmo. luckily i'm not in a position where i'm looking to make him my rebound guy cause i refuse to go though this again. you can keep love cause i don't want i! i swear in the last few days i've beenthinking about guys i never gave a chance to cause i am dying to get out of here. if the airlines didn't have a fee for every damn thing, i'd go visit friends...and pay visits to those past flames that i didn't give a chance. anyway, i gotta get back to trying to focus on an exam so i'll end it with this (which i got from someone else's blog) to to shed some light on just why this unexpected relationship has got me going crazy in case the elmo nickname was a bit confusing.

I miss being with her
I miss holding her in my arms
I miss kissing her lips
To be able to be near her
To hold her
To kiss her
That would make me happier than anything else
I would give almost anything just for that
I wish I could be all that she wants
If changing who I am is what she wants then so be it
Anyone who would give her up is a fool
There will never be anyone like her ever again
No matter what anyone says about her it wouldn’t matter
She is my world
And nothing would make me turn from that
She is my first and only love in my life
When I did have her as a girlfriend it was like a dream
And I never wished to wake from it
I would have never thought I would have a girlfriend
No one, in my eyes, comes close to her
I know its been used by others
But she is my sun and my moon
She is my everything
I loved her then
I love her now
And I will always love her
She will never leave my thoughts or my heart

8:23 AM | |

Thursday, September 27, 2007 

It's been a really long time....

did you miss me???

*cricket sounds*


thanks! 'ppreciate ya! it took me 2 days to remember my user ID and password to log into blogger. and the only reason i even bothered was because one of my favorite popie-haters told me my blog disappeared. i found out they put a ban on my site because i was suspected of being a spammer. yeah like i have that kinda time to annoy people on the internet. i'll leave that mess to 30 year old computer geeks who live in their mom's basement playing halo and stealing credit card numbers. anyway i'm actually working on a post to share a recent experience i had with the blog world. here's a tiny hint. i still have to post myexperience getting my chitlins cleaned (twice) even though it happened so long ago. since i went from working woman to broke student, i don't know when i'll be able to have them cleaned again. but it was an experience i won't forget.

3:07 PM | |

Sunday, May 06, 2007 

I want my money back!

last night i went to see meshell ndegeocello at a club called sugar hill at atlanta's underground. to say i was psyched about seeing her perform live would be an understatement. i was too thrilled! i've been a fan for only a short period of time, but i was so sure this was going to be a great show. my favorite album of hers is "bitter" and i can listen to it without skipping a track. can’t say that about a lot of albums. so anyway my saturday started off pretty typically, i went to get my hair done that morning. even the threat of rain showers could not derail those plans. i was in and out of there in less than 3 hours, which for me on a saturday is damn near record timing. especially since i got a touch-up. i left there and drove by the venue just to get an idea of where exactly it was and the parking situation. from there i ran a few errands then went home to rest up for my evening plans.


i got to the venue a little early because my ticket was at will call. there was already a line forming at the door so i'm glad i got there when i did. after about an hour wait, the line was around the corner. i killed time texting my girl ninja which was entertaining as usual. this being a meshell ndegeocello show and all, the crowd was obviously diverse. i remember texting ninja and saying i was broadening my racial profiling to include roughneck looking hybrids, thanks to clips i've seen of snoop pearson on "the wire". a little after nine they started to let us in. i was tempted to go upstairs and grab a seat but i already had my heart set on standing in front of the stage. i wore comfortable shoes so i was prepared. i initially took a seat on one of the ottomans the club offered as seats. not comfortable, but more comfortable than standing in front of an empty stage alone. when the crowd began to grow, i got up and found a good spot near the front. the opening act was a guy called w. e. felton. he put on a good show. a little animated but not in corny annoying way. i recognized one of his background singers from a show i saw with raheem devaughn last summer. i thought he could've performed a little longer. especially after what transpired later on in the evening.


the dj took over and kept the crowd hyped with a good mix of songs. i did my usual 2 step while sipping on a $4 bottle of fiji water anticipating meshell's performance. as the crowd continued to grow i ended up getting slightly stuck behind 2 chicks who were around my height but only taller because of their hair. one had some kind of 'fro which looked like she was in the beginning stages of growing locks. the other had what looked like a 2 week old sponge roller set. suddenly my chances of having a clear view of meshell were dimming. when meshell took the stage, i was really shocked at how small she was. she couldn’t have been taller than 5ft. she was also much chubbier than she was years ago. her attire alone would have gotten her some loose change by passing strangers had she taken a walk down peachtree during the work week. but all that didn’t matter because i just knew she was about to set that shit off! sadly i was mistaken.
here's what happened, the venue did not post signs or inform the crowd that flash photography was not permitted. so of course, people were taking quite a few pics when she came on. the flashes bothered her so much she passed out from what could have been dizziness. there she was lying face down with her stagehand standing over her. she was helped up and left the stage.


after a few minutes she came back with a bottle of water dousing the crowd and looked very upset. she said something to the audience, but all i could make out were the foul 4 letter words letting me know it wasn’t pleasant. the chicks previously blocking my view and their respective girlfriends were upset by meshell's antics and left, clearing the way for me to stand at the front of the stage. i wasn’t sad to see them leave. meshell began her set and all seemed well. there was a bikini-clad woman who came out to dance while meshell performed. for me it was really random but some of the people enjoyed it. i thought she was a dude at first with great tucking techniques. but anyway, meshell performed a few songs (with the stage lights now turned off) and then abruptly left the stage. i had my "what the fuck?" look going real strong. the crowd started booing and people were getting a little pissed. i spoke to a woman standing next to me who was a big fan and had seen meshell perform many times. she told me meshell can be very bitchy and temperamental on stage sometimes. but even she was pissed at everything that was happening. after a few minutes, meshell came back and said something else to the crowd that i was unable to comprehend. (that fiji water was having the same effects as a martini because i couldn’t understand anything that night). the crowd booed her for whatever she said, and she told them she didn’t care and that we could boo her if we wanted. she began anther set and things were going smoothly. she finished up and this time left for good. i stayed a few minutes in hopes that just maybe she'd come back. but i eventually followed the crowd out of the club. overall i thought it was a waste. the venue clearly fucked up and for that meshell took her frustrations out on us. as pissed as i was (not nearly as a few people near me were) i would still like to see her again...maybe an outdoor day concert where flash photography wouldn't be a factor. that is all.

(my pics were taken with a camera phone without a flash. they came out better than i expected)

3:48 PM | |

Thursday, March 29, 2007 

Having my chitlins cleaned...

i have decided to to do a little spring cleaning in my body. by this time tomorrow i will have undergone colon hydrotherapy. what's that, you ask? well, colon hydrotherapy, also known as a "colonic," is a procedure by which the large intestine is cleaned by flushing it with water in different quantities, temperatures and pressures through a tube inserted in the rectum. sounds kinda weird and painful, but none of my research indicates that i'll experience any pain. this will be my first one so i'm a little nervous. the procedure is different from an "enema," which only cleanses the rectum and lower sigmoid colon. enemas can also be self-administered, while colon hydrotherapy is administered by a trained hydrotherapist using a LIBBE (lower intestine bottom bowel evacuation system). i'm not entirely sure how i came up with the idea to have this done. i don't suffer from chronic constipation or anything like that. i guess it may have stemmed from me wanting to detox a few months ago. i kept looking around for ways to cleanse my insides and came upon colonics and chose that as oppose to detoxing, which i may still do. i'd heard of colonics about 10 years ago, but the idea of having anything inserted into my rectum did not trigger pleasant feelings at 15 years old. but now i'd like to see what the benefits of ridding my body of waste that has been building up for the past 25 years will feel like. i am suppose to limit myself to soups tomorrow and avoid eating 2 hours prior to the procedure. i can't say that i'm all too thrilled by that. i kinda had my heart set on some chik-fil-a for lunch, but i'm sure the remnants of past meals there that will be flushed outta me will serve as a reminder that i should eat more healthy anyway. i've opted to have it done after work. i could have gone on my lunch break, but i think its best i have it done when i can go home afterwards...just in case the intrusive nature of the procedure makes me want to crawl up into the fetal position and think happy thoughts (lol). i'm curious to know how i'll feel when its over. sometimes i imagine i'll come outta there like "man! i feel 'bout 10lbs lighter" like a typical obnoxious friend or relative who feels the need to announce their bowel movements after a big meal. but somehow i think i may be at a loss for words and may not want to talk to anyone afterwards. if i'm up to it, i'll write about the experience when i get home.

7:35 PM | |

Friday, March 23, 2007 

its been a long time...

i almost forgot about this damn blog. not that i have anyone waiting on the edge of their seat for my posts. i actually forgot my username and password. i really don't like this new blogger format and sign-in. but i guess i should give it some time. maybe i'll get use to it.

anyway, not much going on. still working, looking at possible options for the fall, and acting up with the crunksters. i did take some much needed time for myself and now i'm back to reality. *sigh* and i am facing a hard time getting rid of someone in my life who is 17 kinds of wrong! its not that they won't leave, its just that i'm having a hard time telling them to just fuck off forever! he's a friend, nothing romantic. okay there was one minor, shall we say, hiccup, but trust me i still regret that and it wasn't that serious. but we've been cool since for the most part. anyway, we just got into an argument. and do you know he had the nerve to tell me that i'm stupid for constantly bringing up the fact that he has a girlfriend. and not only that, but also because i haven't "stepped to the plate" as he puts it. hello?!?!?! when did monogamy go out of style? according to him he's laid out some path that i refuse to respond to. i really think he's cool as a friend, and i try my hardest to be just that...friends. but c'mon! why am i being difficult because i refuse to break up a relationship? i clearly stepped out of bounds once, and have no intention of making that a habit. and then when i explain i have no interest in being a sideline hoe, he scoffs at the notion saying he would never treat me like a hoe...completely missing my point that its a slang reference not meant to be taken literally. regardless of how well he treats me i'd always be the "other" woman. but of course, to him, i only see things from a narrow-minded perspective. as i type this, i am even more convinced that i should just put an end to us entirely. i know he wants things that i'm not willing to give up. i don't know why i revert to dummy-mode when it comes to certain guys. i guess in some ways the attention would be missed. every now and then i do wonder if i'll ever find someone who's right for me...and single. and for me to really cut someone from my life there usually has to be that "moment" you know. one where it hits me and i think to myself "you need to put an end to this now!" there hasn't been one for me. i know what to do, but don't know what to do...actually i'm just in denial about what i need to do. would it be fine to just delete his number and never call or take his calls? or should i wo"man" up and just tell him we can't be friends so there is no confusion later on? damn! if i were a hoe with no morals, this would not be such a difficult situation. i'd be over there on my back with my legs in the air and not at this damn computer typing this entry. ha!

12:07 AM | |

Thursday, February 15, 2007 

It's about to be a what? GIRL FIGHT!!!

normally, my train ride in the morning is a snooze fest. i go to the platform, wait for the train, and then try to board it without knocking over a group of illegal mexican immigrants (they really need to learn the phrase "excuse me" in english). the ride into work lasts about 15-20 minutes. i spend that time reading a book or newspaper, listening to music, or just gathering my thoughts in silence. if there is ever an event in my life that rarely changes, it’s my daily commute. there may be an occasional train delay, but otherwise it's the same thing day in and day out. today, however, was unlike ANY other day on the train for me.

i decided to go in a little earlier today to get some things done...looking back i should've kept my ass in bed. there i was sitting in an almost empty train cart with about 3 other passengers, minding my business as usual. after a stop or two, the door at the end of the cart opens and in walks 4 young black trannies from the adjacent cart. my first thought..."must've just gotten off from their night job street-walking." (stereotyping? yes...do i care? no) so i go back to minding my business when i noticed they decided to sit right across from me. if there is one thing i can’t stand, it’s for strangers to be near me when there is tons of space around. this goes for people who go into a bathroom stall right next to mine in an empty restroom with multiple stalls, people who use a stairmaster right next to mine in an empty gym with many machines to spare, and definitely those who sit near me in an empty room like an airport gate or....a train cart. but i digress. so they were talking amongst themselves when the same door opened again. this time a large group of "queens" come in. there were at least 12 of them. young, black, and flaming. my first thought..."i hope they don't mug me!"

now i consider myself to be fairly street smart. i grew up in the 'burbs but spent enough time attending schools and spending time with family in some pretty rough neighborhoods that i think i can handle my own. at least i like to believe i can anyway. but this day i just knew i stood no chance given the circumstances. i was unarmed and outnumbered. and i've never been in a situation where i was surrounded by such a large group like them by myself with no security in sight! kids these days are crazy. 90s babies are children of the corn and i am not about to sit here and lie about not being terrified of them. and i should also add that i am guilty of stereotyping and profiling people. its the "inner racist lapd cop" in me i guess. so back to my story...

as the train progressed, the queens got more animated (what else is new?) and i noticed they were paying a lot of attention to the trannies. i initially thought they were all together because there wasn't a huge lapse of time between when each group came into my cart. a few of the queens started making snide remarks and then one of them started to countdown from 10. i soooooooo wanted to believe that they were counting down to a j-sette routine. wishful thinking on my part. then one of them taps one of the trannies on the leg and says to another queen "who, this one right here?" while another sarcastically complimented one of the other tranny's weave. i quickly glanced over at "her" and could see in her eyes that she was all too familiar with this type of treatment. i felt really bad cause there was nothing i could do to stop it. i don't know what may or may not have taken place earlier to stir up this hostility but i still felt bad. why couldn't they all just get along?

now as we're getting closer to my stop all i can think is..."please don't start no shit while i'm on this mothafuckin' train!" i was practically sitting in the middle of all this drama...on that damn empty cart!!! again...why did they have to sit by me in the first place?!?! anyway, before i knew it a punch was thrown at one of the trannies sitting across the aisle from me and ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!! this was by no means an "nba carmelo anthony inspired" slap fest. they were throwing some serious blows at her. and who do you think got pushed into the wall and trapped by all this mayhem? yep...ME!
i grabbed my bags and started screaming like a damn queen myself! it wasn't some high-pitched "white girl running through the woods in a scary movie" scream. if you heard me you would've thought i was evoking the spirit of wayman from 'a low down dirty shame'! as punches were being thrown and wigs and weaves were being snatched off, one of the queens saw me and put his back towards the scuffle and shielded me just enough so that i could get up and get to the door. all of this took place as we were approaching my damn stop! when the train pulled in, it seemed like it took an eternity for the train conductor to open those doors. i was standing there watching this fight move from the middle of the cart down to the other end and back towards me.

when the doors opened you would've thought i had wings attached because i damn near flew up the escalator. i can barely recall touching a single step. it was like i had horse blinders on. all i kept thinking was "get the fuck outta there...do not stop, do not pass go, do not collect your $200!" i do know i told a lady waiting on the platform as i was flying by to not go in that cart. she had this "boo-boo the fool" look on her face. i was thinking..."bitch didn't you hear the words that came outta my mouth...DO NOT GET ON THAT CART". i'm not sure what she did cause i was upstairs in no time. as i was "flying" to the street level i could still hear them all yelling and cursing. i don't know what happened after that. but i do know this...i'll be damn if i ride the train that early in the morning ever again. i will suck it up, drive in and just pay to park if i have to. and to think i thought shit like this only happens on nyc trains.

10:20 PM | |

Monday, January 29, 2007 

But can they sing live?

i love live albums. period. there is nothing better than being able to listen to an artist recreate their magic live on stage without the assistance of all kinds of studio gadgets. since i haven't had the chance to see all my favorite artists in concert, i rely on live albums to give me that experience. some artist are better at creating that experience than others. i also think being able to sing live and sound like your album separates true artist/performers from today's music industry gimmicks. so when i feel like imagining that i am sitting front row center at a concert, these are the albums i listen to (they are listed at random). if you know of more that i might be interested in, by all means, please let me know.






***note: while i definitely enjoyed alicia keys' stage performance a few years back on the verizon ladies first tour, i was not all that impressed with her unplugged album. i didn't include floetry because some of their songs that i like weren't on their floacism album. i wish whitney houston had recorded a live album before she ruined her voice with drugs. and i would've added queen's live at wembley album, but i've only seen portions of the concert (which is awesome, by the way) and do not own the cd.

10:01 PM | |

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