love sucks!!!
talking to elmo was like a breath of fresh air. we were inseparable the next few months. every daytime minute in my plan was reserved for them. the first and last call i made was to them...every single day. every weekend we were together even it was just watching rented movies. we spent thanksgiving apart and it was hard on both of us. i spent every night of that holiday weekend talking to elmo to the early hours of the morning and each night it was so hard hanging up. we said we'd definitely do whatever it took to spend holidays together because we didn't enjoy being apart. before we even realized it, our friendship had become a relationship. and what's weird is that i let go of being afraid to let someone in. it was also during this time that elmo and their best friend were falling out and it was because of me. i never liked that my friendship with elmo would cause that because i knew how much elmo valued their best friend. i never understood or still understand how someone you call a friend could become upset with you for finding someone that makes you happy. i never tried to replace elmo's best friend, i was trying to develop my own relationship with them.
by christmas time, things were even better! i couldn't have dreamed of better times. we went away for new years and i was on cloud nine. there was no place i wanted to be then with elmo. we got back from the trip, went to elmo's and fell asleep in each other's arms til i had to go home. i still hadn't said those 3 special words to elmo but i felt them with each passing day. of course good times couldn't last always. after the trip i started showing my ass occasionally. elmo would ask me to do things and i'd have a million excuses as to why what i wanted to do was more important. never mind the fact that elmo always went out of their way to help me and do things for me. my spoiled side began to show and i started taking elmo for granted at times. in march things took a turn for the worse and we were never the same. somehow i failed to see how bad i was hurting elmo by not making them a top priority in my life. it was the little things i wasn't doing, like making time when elmo needed to talk to me or taking responsibility when i did something wrong and not being completely honest. the whole basis of our friendship was built on a promise we made that night talking til 6am that we'd have complete honesty and trust. by april elmo had had enough and wanted nothing to do with me. i had driven them away. we still spoke even though the mood between us had drastically changed. i was no longer elmo's love or anything else for that matter.
the problems we were having really affected me cause my whole world really did revolve around elmo. i started slacking off with a lot of other things, from school to work, trying to get back what i lost. i spent most of may crying. i cried waking up, in the shower, on the way to work (which is the same place elmo works), on my way to school, on my way home, and then to sleep only to wake up and do it all over again. i spent the last couple of months apologizing and begging for another chance. its been two weeks since we spoke. the longest we'd ever gone without speaking is about 4 days so as you can imagine i'm going crazy. i sit and wonder why i ever allowed myself to fall for someone after spending my life trying to avoid a heartbreak like this. i've had some strong feelings for guys in my past, but things never worked out and i hated that feeling. with elmo i never expected to develop any feelings like this. we clicked so well and spent so much time together. i was surprised by how i felt but at the same time i was willing to finally let go and let be and see what happened and it turned out great...in the beginning. now i sit and wonder how easy it must be for elmo to just go on with their life while i'm here miserable without them. my friends are in other cities so i cant just call them up to hang out and get elmo off my mind.
this past sunday i went to church and the pastor's sermon was about how God isolates you sometimes to work to on you. and that He takes people out of your life on purpose and you're sitting there wondering why He's doing it when all you want is to have those people in your life. needless to say i was not all that pleased to be hearing that. i'd been praying to Him for months to get elmo back and be friends again and every time it seemed like i was close i'd have the rug pulled from under me. i certainly was beginning to believe the Lord wasn't on my side. my request wasn't that big...just let me have another chance to work on my friendship, cause elmo was truly a great friend to me. and anyone can tell you good friends are hard to come by. i wasn't a good friend before but i really wanted to make up for it. and yes, i'll admit i side-eyed the Lord a few times during my quest to get elmo back. i'm here typing this post so He clearly has given me a pass for those brief lapses in judgment. LOL!
so now i sit here all alone with a few sad breakup songs on repeat. my song of the moment is j.scott's "insomnia". the lyrics describe exactly what i'm feeling. i finally had to stop listening to this cd elmo made for me back in december cause its hard listening knowing that the feelings they had for me at that time are no longer there. by new years eve, if i'm playing brian mcknight's "6,8,12" then i may need an intervention cause that will mark 6 months, 8 days, 12 hours (give or take a few days and hours) since we last spoke and i hope i'm not feeling this bad by then. cause every day for the past 2 weeks has been spent wondering what elmo's up to and how their doing, and wondering if elmo's happy that i'm not around. i did send an email yesterday. just when i was starting to come to terms with it, i had a brief relapse and sent it. it was short and simple, but now i kinda regret it cause i'm gonna sit around checking for a response and that's not going to serve me any good. i've made plans to get away next weekend and see a friend (with benefits) so that i can take my mind off of elmo. luckily i'm not in a position where i'm looking to make him my rebound guy cause i refuse to go though this again. you can keep love cause i don't want i! i swear in the last few days i've beenthinking about guys i never gave a chance to cause i am dying to get out of here. if the airlines didn't have a fee for every damn thing, i'd go visit friends...and pay visits to those past flames that i didn't give a chance. anyway, i gotta get back to trying to focus on an exam so i'll end it with this (which i got from someone else's blog) to to shed some light on just why this unexpected relationship has got me going crazy in case the elmo nickname was a bit confusing.
I miss being with her
I miss holding her in my arms
I miss kissing her lips
To be able to be near her
To hold her
To kiss her
That would make me happier than anything else
I would give almost anything just for that
I wish I could be all that she wants
If changing who I am is what she wants then so be it
Anyone who would give her up is a fool
There will never be anyone like her ever again
No matter what anyone says about her it wouldn’t matter
She is my world
And nothing would make me turn from that
She is my first and only love in my life
When I did have her as a girlfriend it was like a dream
And I never wished to wake from it
I would have never thought I would have a girlfriend
No one, in my eyes, comes close to her
I know its been used by others
But she is my sun and my moon
She is my everything
I loved her then
I love her now
And I will always love her
She will never leave my thoughts or my heart
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