Stuck in a Quarter Life Crisis: Recipe for an Orgasm

i was surfing the web tonight and came across this blog called persephone's box. so after reading a particular post, i decided to check out the archives section which is something i normally do when i find an interesting blog. this post caught my eye...

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Okay, ladies, Jean, over at You Are Here is calling for orgasm-precipitating recipes. I hope she meant that literally, because here's mine! (Gosh, I'll be so embarrassed if it's just a euphemism for really good recipes.)

Warm Orgasm Soup

There are many versions of this old favourite. This delicacy can be served anytime, as a side dish, a main meal, or even dessert. It can be served on a bed of pillows or poured directly on the kitchen table. Notice that this chef has completely left out kissing. As an alternative, it can be added to taste at any point during the preparation.

Prep time: 10-45 minutes, varies with pre-heating time
Yield: 1 serving per recipe

1 well-loved and/or cared for woman, washed
2 soft hands, washed, with nails clipped and filed smooth
1 tongue – look for one that’s flat and soft, not hard at the end from muscle tension
1 set teeth
2 cups warm breath
3 cups attention to reactions displayed verbally, facially, and physically; the attention should typically be silent except for the first few times running through the recipe
Equal parts tenderness and roughness
Oil and candles (optional)

1. Warm the hands.
2. Add 1 cup of attention a bit at a time throughout the next five steps. It’s imperative that you keep a watchful eye at all times to ensure your well-loved woman never stops simmering.
3. Remove the outer dressing as necessary. This can be an important part of the pre-heating steps. However, in an older relationship, this is often done for you already.
4. Introduce a lightly stroking finger to the little hairs at the back of her neck.
5. Slide a semi-dry tongue in the hollow beneath her earlobe. Very slowly add softly exhaled warm breath just under her ear. Be careful not to add breath directly in the ear or too noisily as either can delay pre-heating.
6. Add teeth to the neck as you arrange a barely perceptible stroking of hands on the inner thigh. Teeth should chew gently, but never drag or clamp down hard.
7. Check for readiness by grazing the inner labia with a gentle hand feeling for moisture content while teasing the clitoris.
8. Spread the wetness out evenly into any dry areas.
9. Add one hand to the buttocks, kneading roughly, while the second hand lightly brushes the clitoris further.
10. Combine tongue and breath on the buttock cleavage along with another cup of attention to reaction. Cleavage should be tightly closed.
11. Continue enthusiastically adding pressure to the clitoris in tiny side-to-side or circular movements. Increase pressure and speed as necessary.
12. When she starts to sizzle, add the second hand again, introducing the thumb into her vagina.
13. As an option, the soft, flattened tongue can be used in place of either hand.
14. Continue until she reaches the boiling point, and then continue to boil on high for several minutes maintaining a steady speed and pressure. Do NOT turn down to simmer until the boiling is complete or the orgasm will be ruined. Add remaining attention to reaction as needed.

NOTE: Contrary to Seinfeld’s recipe, a swirl to finish is unnecessary and can sometimes over-cook the orgasm. Add more attention to reaction if you’re unsure how to proceed.

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Feel ever so free to share your own recipes if you think you can create a better "soup". :)