Are we scaring off black men?
i took a break from making chercha with my cyber family over at the water cooler to peruse a few other sites that tend to take up my time between the hours of 9 and 5. i decided to stop by the clubhouse where one of the cool kids on the internet block likes to drop ka-nahledge on any and everything under the sun. today he posted a link to an article entitled "Why Are Black Women Scaring Off Their Men?" and then went on some tirade about not being served his dinner and handed his slippers when he comes home from a hard day of sticking it to the man. now initially i laughed off his silly banter on how the modern woman needs to get her ass back into the kitchen and bedroom and away from the boardroom (j/k dp). but then i took the time to reread his post and the article where ms. jones proceeded to explain her argument in a bit more coherent manner. a good read by the way.
anyway, the article got me to thinking about a conversation (read: intense discussion) i had with a friend of a friend of a friend about women and men in relationships. this dude, we'll call him nukkapleez, believes that women need to stop being independent and learn to be interdependent. i can co-sign that. but then he also believes that for a relationship to work, a woman must be willing to let the man be in control (similar to what dp was saying with his batman and robin analogy). i find that to be somewhat contradicting to being interdependent. now he also believes this control should encompass all major decisions including financial ones. i asked nukkapleez "what if the woman makes, say 6 figures, and dude is a public school teacher...should this woman still concede all major financial decisions to her man?" to which he replied "absolutely!" nukka what? now i am all for allowing a man to be a man, but there has to be a point where he looks to his woman as a partner...an equal partner.
my perspective on this is severely biased having been raised by a single woman. (sidenote: nukkapleez also believes single women breed single women). from the time i was snatched from the womb i was taught to be self-sufficient. the women around me were, so naturally thats what i was taught to be. pops dipped out as he did with all his other sideline hoes, so my mom didnt have a choice.
now i can understand that men, well particularly black men, feel ostrasized by society and want to at least find solace in his home. but keep in mind its not our fault society is the way it is. i'm not saying we're gonna toss a hello kitty diary at him so he can vent his frustrations, but it seems like women are the ones having to make bigger sacrifices emotionally to keep a man at home. dont you think we also deal with shit from these YTs running the world? not only are we black, but we're women. we've gotta fight multiple battles just to prove our worth. where's our support? we've been raised to believe that in the family, the black woman is the backbone or the glue that holds it together, and something about a fist that strikes a blow. or some old-timers shit like that. (whatever) but times have changed. we have opportunities now to reach levels that past generations of women could only dream of. is it fair for us to have to choose between being her or her?
i guess when i try to understand what nukkapleez, dp, and joy are saying, i'm only hearing what women should be sacrificing. with times changing, shouldnt there be some adjustments in these roles we play in relationships? what happened to 'two heads are better than one'? how can we be expected to switch our "womens empowerment" mantra that allows us to find our place in today's world on and off at the drop of a hat in order to provide this nuturing environment no matter what it does to our professional life? why are we faced with the dilemma of career or man. or better yet- great career or man. am i gonna have to curb my plans of becoming the next h.n.i.c (w/ a liberal twist) in order to keep him happy? i'm not entirely sure whether i do want to get married, but i would expect some of the same sacrifices from the future mr. dareal_aka_alex2.0 that i would make for him.
Wow Dareal. You got me stumped by this one. The brothas need to get their shit together before they can demand anything. It's really sad to see the state of black relationships. Very few black couples get married and STAY married. Then in defense of the brothas...if you don't have a nice car, loads of money, a six-figure salary, or model looks...you are slept on by the sistas. So this is really a double-edge sword. In a relationship, you should walk side by side....one should not be walking behind the other.
Posted by
Julia_Claudine_Deveraux |
9:20 PM
Fuck your bullshit segregated mentality racist ass bullshit!See people as fucking people not as fucking colors.
Posted by
Anonymous |
10:57 PM